Always Logging It

 I have worn some type of fitness tracker for years: FitBit, Apple Watch, and now a Garmin Venu.  I love them, I love knowing how far the dogs and I have walked, how many steps I've gotten in, the elevation change on a hike, and how many calories I've burned.  I also went through a MyFitness Pal tracking stage where I logged my food.  I enjoy a planner and making To-Do lists and crossing them off.  You name it, I've probably logged it!

My goodness logging everything is exhausting!!

 My Type A personality thrives on logging things, making lists, and checking things off.  I like to know where I'm at with getting things done, movement, mileage, food, exercise, the whole kit and kaboodle.  But every once and a while, I do something completely drastic and STOP LOGGING EVERYTHING!

That's right, I go cold turkey and stop it all.  I take off the watch and power it down, I delete MyFitnessPal, and I use only one planner/notebook for making lists (this one is the hardest due to my schedule, school stuff, and my husband's ever-changing work schedule) and I stop using an exercise plan.

Do you know what that does?  To be honest, it gives me a crazy amount of anxiety for the first day or so; I know, not the reaction you were expecting.  But it's the truth, I am routine-oriented and thrive in my structure, and stopping some or all of the above things is very intense.  But, it does get better!  

Breaking the lines of dependency with my logging apps/devices allows me to have a bit more freedom: I exercise how I want and it depends on what feels good, I allow food to be something that's good versus something that always needs to be tracked and monitored, and I live more in the moment then what is next on the list for me to get accomplished.

Taking a break from logging all of our data is good once and a while, it allows us to reset and take a breath.  If logging all of your data starts to stress you out instead of making you feel good, it is time to put it on the shelf for a minute and breathe.  It isn't easy (hello anxiety moments), but I know it's better for me in the long run if I take a step back, and readjust.

What do you do to unplug and reset?

"F" is Not Failure

My favorite Peloton instructor, Robin Arzon, posted on her Instagram account about failing at a task she had been visualizing and training for and how she was striving to find the faith within the failure (see her IG post here).  

That really struck me because for as long as I can remember, an "F" always equated to failure: grades, losing a game, not measuring up, etc.  And sometimes, it really is that simple: the other team outscored you and you lost; you missed more questions on a test than you answered correctly.  These are very concrete examples of how sometimes, failing is failing.

But what struck me, is how sometimes failing is NOT failing.  You try something new and it doesn't go your way, did you fail?  Maybe in the simplistic meaning of the word, but didn't you also learn something?  Thomas Edison really hit the nail on the head when he said he didn't fail, he found thousands of ways to not make a lightbulb.  That is really powerful when you stop and think about it!

Sometimes we base our self-worth on how quickly we can master a new skill or achieve a goal, and if we don't measure up in the time allotted, we failed.  Instead of giving ourselves an "F" as in failure, maybe we give ourselves an "F' as in fortitude; we just continue to practice and learn.  

Give yourself the opportunity to redefine your "F" into Faith in yourself, Fortitude in your drive, and Fearlessness in pursuit of your dreams/hobbies.

How do you define your "F"?

What's a Boundary?

I think one of the benefits of my rule-following ways is that when I come across a boundary, I usually respect it pretty automatically.  I respect a person's personal space (physically and metaphorically) and genuinely want what they want.  Boundaries are good, it's good to say "no" once and a while and be confident in your decision to do so.

However, that being said, I am really really bad at setting boundaries for myself.  I think this has to do with me being a people pleaser and a desire to make others happy.  I always end up saying "yes"...yes I will volunteer for that, yes I will take on that extra duty, yes I will help you with whatever....yes, yes, yes.  Most of the time, I really like to roll that way, I love volunteering, I love baking/cooking something for an event, I love helping friends, etc.  

My problem is that I will "yes" my way right into feelings of exhaustion.  I ignore the warning signs and instead pay attention to the feelings of guilt I have if I start to even think about saying no and BAM! Hello feelings of being overwhelmed, exhausted, and the need to hermit and hide from the world.

Does this sound like you too?

What I have been trying to do lately, is when a situation comes up and I feel the automatic urge to just say yes, I think about what advice would I give to a friend?  Would I encourage them to say yes, or would I encourage them to say no?  I have also come to the conclusion that saying "no" is not always a negative thing, sometimes you just need more of your own time rather than the hobby/person/thing you are about to commit to.

What are some ways you enact boundaries?  I am always interested in knowing more!

The Power of Creativity

Often times when you look into mindfulness, or meditation, you are brought to practices that require stillness and silence. This particular approach reflects ancient eastern philosophies that teach the mind to enter into a state of observance. This form of meditation, or stillness, is a very passive practice.

 

There is no doubt that this approach has helped many people find clarity, mental peace, and self-awareness. However, this passive approach can be difficult for some who are kinesthetic and active learners.

 

I am one of those people. I have tried sitting in silence and at times, it is exactly what I need to bring me back into a balanced state and a calm mind. But sometimes, I need a little more input to feel connected in a mindfulness practice.

 

So, on my quest to find an approach that “works for me,” I looked deeper into ways I can be more present to the moment. And I know that sounds cliche, but one thing I found that really helps me is exploring creativity.

 

Now, let me just address something quick about creativity….. whether you consider yourself a creative person or not, we all have creative skills and abilities that appear in some way. Because creativity isn’t always prioritized or encouraged due to misconceptions from society (starving artist or the music junkie), we may not see creativity as important within our day to day life. So, I invite you to remove any preconceptions you have about creativity and consider ways you are creative in your own way…

 

Anyway, things like dancing, singing, listening to music, making music, making art, painting, crafting, drawing, taking photos, and even cooking are all creative tasks that require mental attention. To me, creativity is an active “mindfulness” practice. Of course, there are several other things under the umbrella of “creativity” that can enhance mental presence and stillness (in fact, one could argue that creativity is involved with everything we do).

 

Regardless, participating in a creative hobby gives you the opportunity to shift your unnecessary worries, doubts, fears, and insecurities to the task at hand. The present moment. 

 

For me, it was actively learning and practicing a new art skill. I have always been artistic and I decided to learn how to draw mandalas. Now, mandalas themselves have been around for thousands of years. They have been utilized in ancient traditions for spiritual purposes as well as symbolism for unity, harmony, and infinity. (The world mandala means “circle” In Sanskrit). This seemed like something that would support my desire to more present-minded and at peace.

 

As I mentioned, I am artistic. But, I’m also a perfectionist and very detailed-oriented. So not only did this offer me a new art skill, it offered me the time and space to practice self-acceptance and non-attachment. Instead of getting hung up on a few mistakes, I offered myself compassion and compliments. Instead of planning what I wanted it to look like, I offered myself freedom and curiosity. 

 

Overtime, I realized that this “creative hobby” is a teacher in itself. It is an active practice where I am able to observe my reactions to simple mistakes, doubts, or judgments. It is the space for me to focus my mind on the process, rather than the outcome.

 

What I have learned through my creative exploration is that the mind is always trying to “conceptualize” things… and put meaning to everything. But, creative exploration lets the mind accept what is and move forward. Having a creative outlet or hobby can inspire growth in self-awareness, making you a more patient, present, and peaceful person.

 

And to me, that is what most of us are looking for when we seek out “mindfulness” or meditation. We are looking for ways to calm out mind to be more present and attentive to the things that matter to us. So, if traditional meditation or stillness isn’t your jam, don’t worry about it. Try considering an active approach by getting involved with a creative hobby where you can build mental presence and peace throughout the process.

 

Thank you, and Mahalo to my dear friend Brittany for this opportunity to write about the power of creativity for your wellbeing. 

About Molly:

Molly is an occupational therapist and wellness advocate, who strives to bring awareness to individuals on how they can live a more meaningful and enjoyable life. Molly is originally from Western New York but as worked as a therapist in North Caroline, Virginia, Texas, and Hawaii. However, after several years of working in a traditional health care model, Molly realized that something in her life was missing. Not only did she lack a purposeful connection, but her physical health was also compromised by her daily distress. So, she went on to study holistic wellness at the Institute of Integrative Nutrition. During this time, Molly had moved to Hawaii to focus on improving her overall wellbeing. Since then, she has found interest with yoga and is currently training to be a yoga instructor. Molly hopes her journey can inspire others to find a more balanced and creative approach to life, too. To learn more about Molly, you can email her directly at mollywillsonholistics@gmail.com or visit her Instagram page for a dose of inspiration and reflections at @Molly_lama_

It's All Contagious

One thing as a teacher (and those of you with children probably understand this too) I learned is that my attitude propelled what kind of mood my class was in.  If I was upset or edgy, they would take on some of that and the undercurrent of the class would be edgy.  If I was happy, they would get happy, if I was calm, they would calm down.  Even if they didn’t come into my class that way, my mood would usually encourage a similar one from them.

 

Moods are contagious, what we feel can be caught by the people we are around and likewise, we can catch the mood they are in as well.  In stressful situations, the first thing someone of authority usually says is “please remain calm” which always intrigued me.  I can just picture the captain of the Titanic making an announcement “Good evening everyone, we have just encountered an iceberg and I need you to calmly make your way to the lifeboats, there is no need for panic, please remain calm”.   Yeah right sir, we are all sinking and going to drown!

 

But if you think about it, when something stressful is happening, what do you tell your students? Kids? Coworkers? You tell them to calm down, it will all be fine.  That is because chaos is contagious, and it spreads like wildfire.  When we are in a chaotic state, our logical thinking process becomes overrun by emotion and the fight or flight instinct.

 

However, calmness is contagious too.  If we stay calm, our logical thinking has a chance to work, our emotional response becomes under control, and we are less motivated to act by instinct.  This is not easy, and I would never proclaim that it is, but in moments of stress, stop and think about what you want to be contagious: calm or chaos?

 

What do you do to encourage the calm versus the chaos?

 

MUSTER 013

 My husband and I listen to audiobooks on leadership together and then like to have discussions about them: how we can implement strategies, what our biggest weaknesses are, what might be difficult about the strategy we are listening to, etc.  One of the leadership books we listened to was Extreme Ownership by Jocko Willink and Leif Babin who are both former Navy Seals.  Well, those two incredible gentlemen took what they learned from the military and their book and started their own leadership consulting business called Echelon Front.

Last week I had the opportunity to attend their MUSTER conference in Dallas, Texas.  It is a two-and-a-half-day leadership conference where you are immersed in extreme ownership and get to meet other leaders from various industries around the country.  In my honest opinion, this was the best leadership seminar/conference I have ever been to.  Their principles of extreme ownership are impactful and one of the parts that really made me think was "tactical victory, but strategic loss".

When we are thinking strategically, we are thinking big picture: the purpose, goal, or mission that you have in your work or home.  When we are thinking tactically, we are thinking about the little things that pop up and cause chaos in our lives, and they are not necessarily key in advancing the overall mission/purpose.  They even gave an example of this happening in your personal life: when you bring work home and focus on it so much, that it is at your family's expense: hard work pays for a good and solid lifestyle, but if you are doing that at the expense of missing out on your kids' life, is it a strategic or tactical win?

For some reason, that just hit home for me and it made me analyze what I do and work on that help propel me to the goal (graduate with my doctorate and take over the world...kidding on that last part) and what are things that are white noise and distractions.  

Overall it was so empowering and I made not only great connections but great friends!  Below are a few photos from the event; I normally do not post photos, but when you take pictures with former Navy Seals, it is worth sharing.

Me with Jocko Willink

Me with Leif Babin

*They look super intimidating but were some of the nicest people I have ever met*

Time Management

I have always been under the assumption that multi-tasking was the way to be; I can focus on and complete multiple things at once and get twice as much accomplished in half the time.  Even if I am not performing multiple tasks at once, I am usually thinking about more than one task at a time.  I attended the Women's Assembly Zoom from Echelon Front this month and this was actually one of the things they recommended steering away from...color me shocked!  But why?  Why focus on one thing when I can focus on two?

One hostess of the Zoom talked about how she would have 15 things on her list to get done and only manage to get 3 of them accomplished; she couldn't believe it!  So she did an audit on her time and found that she spent the majority of her day wasting time versus actually getting after her to-do list.  She said that one of the reasons she wasted her time was that she wasn't prioritizing tasks, she was multi-tasking and trying to get everything accomplished at the same time.

This made sense to me and made me reflect on my own To-Do list that I have; and in thinking about priority, I re-wrote it to have the higher priority items towards the top and then rank the rest of the list.  Normally, I don't even list them numerically, I just put a dash and write and item and do that for the entire list.  Basically, all levels of priorities are a jumble and there wasn't any formal organization-everything was listed in the order it came into my brain.  

For this upcoming week, I am going to try and be more intentional with my To-Do list: I am going to break it down by day of the week and prioritize my items by importance and day.  This way I am not overwhelmed by completing all necessary and high ticket items on one day and fluffing the rest; my goal I to have more order and structure to my lists and therefore, less wasted time.  

We shall see how it goes! Does anyone else find that they get scattered when they try and multi-task?  Any other good planning tips?

For more information on the Women's Assembly, please check out their website here

“Mindfulness” Has to Go

Mindfulness is a transformative quality—I truly believe that. I have seen what mindfulness can do firsthand in my work with college students, teachers, and others. It can bring focus, peace of mind, productivity, agency, calm, stress-reduction, and other positive change.

            I use the term in my teaching (I teach an undergraduate course called Mindfulness & Learning), in meditation workshops, and in my writing (dissertation, journal articles). I’m guilty of relying on the word since society has become so familiar with it. It’s purely for marketing reasons, I suppose.

            But I don’t like the word, “mindfulness.”

First, things are often lost in translation. The word, mindfulness, a practice originating within Buddhism in about 500 B.C.E. comes from the Sanskrit word, smrit, which means to remember.  Funny how that word is never associated with current notions of mindfulness. For instance, remember what? One’s cell phone number (good luck with that). 

Popular definitions of mindfulness generally describe it as a quality of present-moment, centered awareness or as mindfulness pioneer, Jon Kabat Zinn added, “paying attention on purpose” and in a “non-judgmental manner.” I particularly like Buddhist psychotherapist Miles Neale’s version, the idea that mindfulness gives us “recognition and choice.” This has an empowering ring.

            Maybe so many definitions have emerged around mindfulness because the word itself was not a good one to begin with in the West. Consider how it sounds: mind—ful. The mind is full of something, it’s occupied. That’s actually not it at all. 

A meditative mind is open, completely present—what Zen masters might call, no mind. 

But if we start calling it no-mind that doesn’t work either; people start thinking “hey, why would I want to go around without a mind. That doesn’t sound intelligent.”

Complicating matters is the word, mindfulness, has become pop-cultured thanks to capitalism. There are face creams, candles, dice, necklaces, pet food, and snacks—using the word “mindfulness” in some form. I’m personally not sure how eating bags of organic popcorn makes me more mindful (compared to eating something else), though I do enjoy it.

So what do we call this quality? What do we do about this word?

I think if we trace “mindfulness’ back to its roots, the Buddha’s significant contribution to the world was the practice of “watching.” He taught to watch the breath, to watch the sensations in the body, to watch when walking, eating, doing daily chores, to watch emotions arise and fall. To increase awareness, we develop the skill or quality of watchfulness.

The late meditation master and controversial guru, Osho, used the term, witnessing. For example, when meditating, simply sit and witness the breath, witness the thoughts without evaluating. That seems to be more of what we are doing when we practice “mindfulness.” 

We are watching or witnessing our inner dimension—without judgement—so we can know ourselves, be centered, and less reactive.

Maybe as time goes on, we will adopt a new word, a new way of describing this quality. Maybe I need to change the titles of my courses, my trainings, my future book—who knows? Let’s just watch and see what happens.

-Steve

To chat with Steve more about mindfulness and not mindfulness, please email him here.  Thank you Steve for talking with us about this topic!

Change of Scenery

 One of the prominent tips I have come across is utilizing movement in mindfulness practice.  Now that can look super regimented by a scheduled fitness class you attend weekly, a dog walk, weight lifting, etc.  However, I have found that we need movement in our work schedules as well as our off schedules, but how do we fit that in while at work?

Incorporating movement into your life sounds a little intense, and kind of like a job or chore that must be done.  Instead, I like to think of it as changing my scenery.  On your lunch and weather permitting, go outside and breathe in the fresh air and the sunshine, take a ten-minute break to walk a lap around the building, get a stand-up desk, even walk to the bathroom.  These are little ways that break up your day and give you a chance to get the blood flowing and change your scenery, even for a few minutes.  

Changing your scenery gives you the chance to mentally (and physically) step away from what you're working on and gain perspective.  When I have a problem that I am working through, I like to step away from it and think about it without it staring me in the face.  Even if that is just walking a lap or two around the kitchen table; it gives me the space to regroup and start again.  Doing this when you don't have a problem is just as effective; we all need to step away for a minute and give ourselves the chance to regroup, breathe in different air, and have a new perspective.

How do you utilize changing your scenery?

*Next week we will have a guest on the blog!  My friend Steve will be joining us and talking about what mindfulness means to him!  Make sure you stop by and check it out! 

Here is a little about him:

Steve is an assistant professor of education at Wesleyan College in Macon, Georgia. His scholarship involves embedding meditation and mindfulness practices into teacher education and higher education. His current research focuses on introducing brief meditation with college students prior to instruction as a way to prepare the mind for learning, de-stress, and build community. Personally, Steve has been a meditator for 26 years.

Write It Down

According to research everywhere, journaling is a tool that you can use to help make sense of all thoughts and feelings that you have on anything and everything.  It gives you a sense of ownership over your thoughts and feelings, can help you put things into perspective, and help you face those harder feelings.  It is a form of expression that can also be recognized as a form of healing and purging.

 

That being said, I usually fall flat on journaling.  I will be dedicated about it when things are stressful or chaotic; I am the type of person that likes to face things and by writing them down, I can do that.  But when my life is in balance or more under control, the journaling typically stops.  Does this sound like you?

 

One of the many benefits of mindfulness is that there are so many different tricks and tactics!  You do not have to be constantly practicing all of them, simultaneously, at all times.  For me, when things are under control, I have no idea what to journal about; what I ate for breakfast?  How the dog walk went?  Why I most definitely need that coffee mug that is shaped like an elephant?  Probably not; I don’t need to purge about those things or face them or really think about them in a deeper way.  But, when I am stressed, and my brain feels too cluttered and I can’t make sense of anything, I write it down.  I journal about it, lay it all out, and then look at it again.  Occasionally, the simple act of getting the jumble out of my head and onto the page solves most of my issues, other times, it allows me to mull it over in a more orderly fashion.  

 

Don’t be afraid to journal and write things down; you don’t have to have perfect grammar or sentence structure; you just need to vent it out.  At the same time, if journaling is not your thing, that is more than okay!  Mindfulness is not a one-size-fits-all because no one is an exact copy of another.

 

Does journaling help you?

When You Need to Detach

     One of the things my husband and I like to do together is listen to a book on Audible, either together or separately, and have discussions about it.  The types of books he is drawn to are leadership books, books on strategy, and books by military leaders.  To be honest, I'm not super interested in battle strategies or recounts of success by military leaders (some, but not all) and he is not going to have any interest in my Outlander adventure; but, leadership is something that is critical in his line of work and something I hope to also have an impact in.  Leadership books it is!  

    We started with Extreme Ownership by Jocko Willink and Leif Babin and that was so good we moved right into Leadership Strategies and Tactics by Jocko.  His books were encouraging, motivating, eye-opening, and very pleasant to listen to (anyone who listens to audiobooks understands how important that is).   I was fascinated by his notion of "detaching" from the situation and immediately recognized it as something I do not do very well.

    I am an emotionally based person, I feel with my whole self, am very empathetic, and anyone who is around me can usually tell how I'm feeling by looking at me.  I wouldn't say emotions drive my decisions, but they are a factor.  Even with communicating with my husband, he detaches and focuses on the issue, and I don't quite operate that way.  After listening to Jocko's two books, I decided that this is something I wanted to work on; how to take a step back from the situation, and analyze it more critically versus emotionally.  

    I would be misleading if I said this is something that has been a snap, in fact, quite the opposite.  It is something that I actively have to incorporate into my life when situations don't go as I want them to or unexpected chaos pops up that I have to handle.  But, I do find that when I detach successfully, I find the mental energy spent on the angst of emotions actually goes into handling the situation itself.  In my goal of finding mindfulness and being resilient, this notion of detaching is something I am going to continue to work into my regime.

Do you detach?  Does it help you analyze situations more clearly?

*I have also enrolled in the Women's Assembly from Echelon Front (the organization Jocko and Leif have built) and they give a free one-hour seminar on different tactics once a month.  If you are interested, you can find their website here for more information*

Let In the Light

Swept under the rug, the elephant in the room, bury it; we have all heard and (potentially) applied these phrases to negative things that have happened in life.  I am not here to tell you that utilizing the actions in one of those phrases is wrong, or that I have not done them myself.  What I am here to tell you is that they are not long-term solutions to any inconvenience or problem that may occur.

 

 

One of my defense mechanisms when it comes to handling situations that either a) upset me, b) embarrass me, or c) confuse me is to deal with it later.  I sweep it under the rug and put it in the deep recesses of my mind until I am ready to face it and deal with it.  I turn my attention to various other tasks (usually in the form of some household chore) and put all my effort into that to not think about The Problem.  Now, if I am with it, I will burn off my emotions with said household chore and it will have given me enough time to think and sort through what I want to do about The Problem.  If I happen to be human that day, I keep The Problem in that deep recess of my mind and let it fester and grow.  It morphs from The Problem to THE PROBLEM, and I have fed it my anxiety, my fear, and my negativity to get it there.  

 

 

The only way I have found to deal with this scenario is to eventually let in the light.  Instead of continuing to avoid The Problem/THE PROBLEM, I fully let it in and think about it.  I focus on what it is versus what I have now made it become.  I fight darkness with light, and that means I give it the spotlight it needs to shrink it back down to size.  I equate this to turning on your bedroom light when you had a bad dream as a kid; all of a sudden the monsters you thought were there, are gone.  Stop, breathe, and see what exactly The Problem is and why it has you upset.  

 

Albus Dumbledore said it best:

“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light."

 

What strategies do you use to turn on the light?

Balance: Attainable or Barely?

“Balance” is one of those terms you hear all the time: balanced diet, balanced exercise, work-home balance, etc.  I find this word super easy to say, and yet the concept to be difficult to handle.  Achieving balance for me is easy: I notice what is off-kilter in my life, make an action plan, and then act.  And for a few weeks, all is well balanced and running so smoothly; it’s wonderful.

 

And then my husband has a surprise field exercise for a week, the dogs get sick, other commitments creep into my life, and then before I can even realize it, I am off balance…again.  Does anyone else find themselves in a similar cycle?  

 

The good news about this whole finding/regaining balance issue is that we are all human and this is just part of life as a human.  When you are struggling to find your balance, take heart in that!  Balance is something that is attainable, but that will ebb and flow with the calm or chaos of life.  It is meant to be gotten, lost, re-assessed, and achieved once more.  When your balance is lost for the moment, take five seconds to take five deep breaths and remind yourself that 1.) this too shall pass, 2.) things will not stay in this current situation forever, and 3.) you found your balance before, so you will do it again.  Trust and believe in yourself to embrace the chaos and straighten it out in time.  Sometimes the more we fight or dwell on something, the longer it will take us to achieve the desired effect.  Acknowledge the craziness and then trust that you will find calm once again.

 

What are some tips and tricks you use to get back your balance?

When Partnerships Need to be 80/20

Relationships are supposed to be 50/50; you each put in the work and dedication to make the relationship bloom and last.  But there are times when putting in your 50 is just not possible; I’m talking about when life is throwing you all kinds of curveballs and you are at your wit's end.

 

Every relationship goes through periods of growth and expressing to your partner that you are running on empty presents an opportunity for growth.  When I am overworked, overwhelmed, and feel like I am barely treading water, I will tell my husband “I need you to be 80% right now” and he responds with a “Not a problem, let me see your list and what I can take off it”.  This was not always an automatic response as we had to learn it, I had to figure out how to tell him I needed help and he needed to figure out how to ask me what I needed without me adding that to my list to also figure out.

 

It sounds simple, but it's oddly complex.  Asking your partner to take up some of your slack until you get your bearings is uncomfortable.  I hated asking my husband for help at first because he also has a job, demands on his time, and a long to-do list.  But I was not being a good partner if I couldn’t be honest with him about what I needed and I realized that feeling guilty for that was a complete waste of emotion and a way for me to stay in my frazzled state.  My husband felt better taking a few items off my list and when I was able to breathe again, I would simply state “I’m good now, thank you for stepping in for me”.  There are times when he tells me that he needs me to be 80% and I am totally good with stepping in until he feels better.

 

You aren’t asking your partner to now be 80% of the relationship all the time but asking for help and being honest with what you need is the first step to feeling better.  Being a good partner means knowing what you need to get back to a calm state, and sometimes, that means being 80/20.

 

What are your thoughts on 80/20?

Toxic Intake

A prominent part of every new mindfulness technique, self-care guide, and mental health awareness talks about toxicity and culling it from your life.  In the research I have read, it usually discusses the importance of boundaries with the negative influences in your life, be it that drama-filled friend, intense in-laws, or the clothes in your closet that you have yet to purge.  All of this is great advice and should be considered when you are reflecting on the traces of toxicity in your life.

 

However, there are other forms of toxic intake that are not as prominently discussed, and these traces get absorbed into your life by sight and sound: what you read, what you watch, and what you scroll.  I am a person that when in certain moods, I go all in, and this is the same personality trait that had me watching Criminal Minds for a ridiculous number of weekends while my husband was deployed the second time.  All of a sudden I started to become a little more negative, which was very unusual for my normally upbeat personality.  I was nervous to walk the dog alone, I would obsessively check my door locks...it was getting a little out of hand.  I remember talking to my mom on the phone and she gave me such a brilliant nugget of advice: “Stop watching that, put on something happy like Scooby-Doo (a personal favorite), and read something fun”.  I did exactly what she told me, and I became a whole new person; better yet, I became myself once more.

 

We absorb an incredible amount of information every day, and sometimes we need to re-evaluate what that information is doing to our mood and our inner voice.  If watching/reading the news is stressing you out, take a break.  If you scroll through social media and find yourself comparing your life to everyone you follow, take a break.  These kinds of toxic intake slowly erode your well-being and we tend not to notice until we are experiencing dramatic mood changes and it gets pointed out to us.  

 

Cutting the toxic out of your life might certainly mean that dramatic friend, but it also may mean limiting your exposure to negativity on a screen to a lower number until you regain your sense of self.  People say ignorance is bliss, and while I don’t want to be completely ignorant, I am a fan of having gaps in my information absorption.

 

How many of you have ever given up a form of social media?  How long did it last?  How did you feel?

New Year New You?

To be completely honest, I’m not one for New Year’s Resolutions; I used to be though.  I would make a list that would have 3-5 items I wanted to change or accomplish in the new year ahead.  For a while it was fine, it was working, but the problem I have (and probably many others) is that the year is long, life is chaotic, and my ambitious self in January with 5 resolutions becomes a bit bogged down.  Then somewhere around August, I realized I haven’t been putting forth as much of an effort, and then the guilt sets in.  Does this loop sound familiar at all?

 

I decided about two years ago that it was time to break this loop of New Year’s resolutions and the “new year new me” mindset that seems to be ever-growing in popularity.  I decided to shorten my list to one item: a word.  That’s right, I would choose a word that I wanted to incorporate into my life more or bring more awareness to.  Last year I chose the word “guilt” because I tend to hold myself to crazy standards and feel guilty if I let someone down, take a rest day, read instead of walking my dogs, sleep in, eat a piece of cake, not being able to volunteer at an event, etc.…you name it, I feel guilt over it.  By choosing this word, it brought more awareness to my thoughts and feelings surrounding that emotion.  

 

Realistically I could choose “guilt” as my word every year (I am a work in progress myself!), but I don’t because that doesn’t send a very nice message to your inner self, does it?  This year my word is “embrace”.  I choose to embrace the challenges, the good things, the work, the stress and own it.  It is easy to get annoyed, angry, bummed, and frustrated when there is another hoop to jump through, another task to complete, yet one more edit to make; but my goal is to not stay mired in those emotions, and instead embrace those challenges and own them.  Personally, I tend to exert a lot of energy and effort in frustration when things don’t go the way I want them the first time, but this year, I want to put some of that energy into embracing whatever challenge/obstacle it may be.  

 

So, this year, I choose to embrace life: the good, the bad, the ugly, the funny, the stressful, and the sweet and see where it takes me. 

 

Happy New Year my friends!

 

Does anyone else choose a word for the year?

Communicating Effectively

Talking is easy, we do it on the phone, via text, in person, on Zoom, on social media platforms…you name it, we chat about it in one form or another.  But talking, texting, emailing, and posting is not necessarily the same as communicating. Yes, they are all forms of communication, but are they always effective uses of communication?

 

My husband and I have been together over nine years and in that timeframe, we have spent over 3.5 years apart due to his Army service.  When he deployed the first time, it was a whole new experience for both of us: he was 9 hours ahead of me in time, he was in a combat zone, we had no idea what deploying really meant, and we were just green.  We had the ability to talk on the phone only a handful of times on that deployment, the way we communicated the most was through Facebook Messenger (thank goodness for modern technology!).  However, how easy is it to misinterpret tone on a text or email?  For me, it was super easy!  I attributed so many emotions to his messages it wasn’t even funny, and usually not the ones he was actually feeling.  It was a learning experience for both of us in so many ways.  I learned how to ask him questions such as “I am interpreting you sounding like this, is this how you meant it?” or “Can you clarify what you mean by that?”.

 

Communicating effectively seems so easy but can be a bit tricky when it comes to interpreting or misinterpreting emotions.  Even when he is home, sometimes I double check to see if what I am hearing is actually how he means it and vice versa.  When you are feeling like you’re not communicating effectively with someone, you get annoyed, stressed, and upset.  Taking the time to check in and double check meanings can take some of that away and allow you to focus your energy on something else.

 

 

Does anyone have other ideas to help communicate effectively?