What's a Boundary?

I think one of the benefits of my rule-following ways is that when I come across a boundary, I usually respect it pretty automatically.  I respect a person's personal space (physically and metaphorically) and genuinely want what they want.  Boundaries are good, it's good to say "no" once and a while and be confident in your decision to do so.

However, that being said, I am really really bad at setting boundaries for myself.  I think this has to do with me being a people pleaser and a desire to make others happy.  I always end up saying "yes"...yes I will volunteer for that, yes I will take on that extra duty, yes I will help you with whatever....yes, yes, yes.  Most of the time, I really like to roll that way, I love volunteering, I love baking/cooking something for an event, I love helping friends, etc.  

My problem is that I will "yes" my way right into feelings of exhaustion.  I ignore the warning signs and instead pay attention to the feelings of guilt I have if I start to even think about saying no and BAM! Hello feelings of being overwhelmed, exhausted, and the need to hermit and hide from the world.

Does this sound like you too?

What I have been trying to do lately, is when a situation comes up and I feel the automatic urge to just say yes, I think about what advice would I give to a friend?  Would I encourage them to say yes, or would I encourage them to say no?  I have also come to the conclusion that saying "no" is not always a negative thing, sometimes you just need more of your own time rather than the hobby/person/thing you are about to commit to.

What are some ways you enact boundaries?  I am always interested in knowing more!

Burnout: What is it?

Burnout, which is defined as an extreme form of stress, is characterized by “emotional fatigue, disengagement, irritability, and apathy related to the work environment” (Pendergast, et al., 2017).  Causes of burnout vary from person to person, but typically they can include pressure from an outside source (supervisors, friends, spouses/partners, children, etc.) as well as our own internal dialogue.   

 

Life is demanding, and many of us feel the need to meet all the demands always put on us.  We sacrifice ourselves for the greater good and demolish our own boundaries to achieve success in all areas of our lives.  The more we do this, the more our system begins to drain.  In my own personal experience, it was a trickle at first, so slight I barely noticed it and would just continue to push onward until suddenly it felt like running into a brick wall.  If you notice yourself more tired than normal after a usual day, patience running thin, and attitude shifts, you may be experiencing some of the warning signs of burnout.  

 

When these signs start becoming the new normal for you, it is good to stop and literally take a breath, breathe in and out.  Ask yourself what you must get done, what is good to get done, and what would be nice to get done; for example, getting dinner on the table is a must get done, and you must eat, however, going to a book club meeting is a nice to get done item. Once those categories are established, your to-do list becomes much more structured.  If you do not get all of the items on your “nice to get done” list, it is ok!  Give yourself permission to not be a superhero every single day.  Focus on what must get done and when you regain your balance, you can start adding those items from the “good to get done” and “nice to get done” lists slowly.

 

What do you do when you recognize the signs of burnout?

 

 

Ryan, S. V., von der Embse, N.P., Pendergast, L.L., Saeki, E., Segool, N., & Schwing, S. (2017).  Leaving the teaching profession: The role of teacher stress and educational accountability in policies on turnover intent.  Teaching and Teacher Education, 66, 1-11.

The Power of Creativity

Often times when you look into mindfulness, or meditation, you are brought to practices that require stillness and silence. This particular approach reflects ancient eastern philosophies that teach the mind to enter into a state of observance. This form of meditation, or stillness, is a very passive practice.

 

There is no doubt that this approach has helped many people find clarity, mental peace, and self-awareness. However, this passive approach can be difficult for some who are kinesthetic and active learners.

 

I am one of those people. I have tried sitting in silence and at times, it is exactly what I need to bring me back into a balanced state and a calm mind. But sometimes, I need a little more input to feel connected in a mindfulness practice.

 

So, on my quest to find an approach that “works for me,” I looked deeper into ways I can be more present to the moment. And I know that sounds cliche, but one thing I found that really helps me is exploring creativity.

 

Now, let me just address something quick about creativity….. whether you consider yourself a creative person or not, we all have creative skills and abilities that appear in some way. Because creativity isn’t always prioritized or encouraged due to misconceptions from society (starving artist or the music junkie), we may not see creativity as important within our day to day life. So, I invite you to remove any preconceptions you have about creativity and consider ways you are creative in your own way…

 

Anyway, things like dancing, singing, listening to music, making music, making art, painting, crafting, drawing, taking photos, and even cooking are all creative tasks that require mental attention. To me, creativity is an active “mindfulness” practice. Of course, there are several other things under the umbrella of “creativity” that can enhance mental presence and stillness (in fact, one could argue that creativity is involved with everything we do).

 

Regardless, participating in a creative hobby gives you the opportunity to shift your unnecessary worries, doubts, fears, and insecurities to the task at hand. The present moment. 

 

For me, it was actively learning and practicing a new art skill. I have always been artistic and I decided to learn how to draw mandalas. Now, mandalas themselves have been around for thousands of years. They have been utilized in ancient traditions for spiritual purposes as well as symbolism for unity, harmony, and infinity. (The world mandala means “circle” In Sanskrit). This seemed like something that would support my desire to more present-minded and at peace.

 

As I mentioned, I am artistic. But, I’m also a perfectionist and very detailed-oriented. So not only did this offer me a new art skill, it offered me the time and space to practice self-acceptance and non-attachment. Instead of getting hung up on a few mistakes, I offered myself compassion and compliments. Instead of planning what I wanted it to look like, I offered myself freedom and curiosity. 

 

Overtime, I realized that this “creative hobby” is a teacher in itself. It is an active practice where I am able to observe my reactions to simple mistakes, doubts, or judgments. It is the space for me to focus my mind on the process, rather than the outcome.

 

What I have learned through my creative exploration is that the mind is always trying to “conceptualize” things… and put meaning to everything. But, creative exploration lets the mind accept what is and move forward. Having a creative outlet or hobby can inspire growth in self-awareness, making you a more patient, present, and peaceful person.

 

And to me, that is what most of us are looking for when we seek out “mindfulness” or meditation. We are looking for ways to calm out mind to be more present and attentive to the things that matter to us. So, if traditional meditation or stillness isn’t your jam, don’t worry about it. Try considering an active approach by getting involved with a creative hobby where you can build mental presence and peace throughout the process.

 

Thank you, and Mahalo to my dear friend Brittany for this opportunity to write about the power of creativity for your wellbeing. 

About Molly:

Molly is an occupational therapist and wellness advocate, who strives to bring awareness to individuals on how they can live a more meaningful and enjoyable life. Molly is originally from Western New York but as worked as a therapist in North Caroline, Virginia, Texas, and Hawaii. However, after several years of working in a traditional health care model, Molly realized that something in her life was missing. Not only did she lack a purposeful connection, but her physical health was also compromised by her daily distress. So, she went on to study holistic wellness at the Institute of Integrative Nutrition. During this time, Molly had moved to Hawaii to focus on improving her overall wellbeing. Since then, she has found interest with yoga and is currently training to be a yoga instructor. Molly hopes her journey can inspire others to find a more balanced and creative approach to life, too. To learn more about Molly, you can email her directly at mollywillsonholistics@gmail.com or visit her Instagram page for a dose of inspiration and reflections at @Molly_lama_

It's All Contagious

One thing as a teacher (and those of you with children probably understand this too) I learned is that my attitude propelled what kind of mood my class was in.  If I was upset or edgy, they would take on some of that and the undercurrent of the class would be edgy.  If I was happy, they would get happy, if I was calm, they would calm down.  Even if they didn’t come into my class that way, my mood would usually encourage a similar one from them.

 

Moods are contagious, what we feel can be caught by the people we are around and likewise, we can catch the mood they are in as well.  In stressful situations, the first thing someone of authority usually says is “please remain calm” which always intrigued me.  I can just picture the captain of the Titanic making an announcement “Good evening everyone, we have just encountered an iceberg and I need you to calmly make your way to the lifeboats, there is no need for panic, please remain calm”.   Yeah right sir, we are all sinking and going to drown!

 

But if you think about it, when something stressful is happening, what do you tell your students? Kids? Coworkers? You tell them to calm down, it will all be fine.  That is because chaos is contagious, and it spreads like wildfire.  When we are in a chaotic state, our logical thinking process becomes overrun by emotion and the fight or flight instinct.

 

However, calmness is contagious too.  If we stay calm, our logical thinking has a chance to work, our emotional response becomes under control, and we are less motivated to act by instinct.  This is not easy, and I would never proclaim that it is, but in moments of stress, stop and think about what you want to be contagious: calm or chaos?

 

What do you do to encourage the calm versus the chaos?

 

Communication is Key

I like to think of myself as a Master Planner: I have a pretty good understanding of my husbands’ schedule (as ever-changing as it is), my schedule, our dogs’ needs, vacation schedules, etc.  When I make an action plan, I usually take everything into consideration, I try and look at it from all possible sides and like a box of 500 puzzle pieces, dump it out and try and make it work.  This was the case earlier this week.  I have a couple of opportunities for conferences abroad this year (one in the summer and one in the fall) as well as vacation goals as a family.  So, in true fashion, I dumped all the pieces out and went about sifting through them until I could find a way that we could experience all the events this summer/fall season and not have to sacrifice or miss much.

 

My husband is in and out of the field, so when he called that night, at 10pm, I couldn’t wait to tell him my brilliant plan that I was super proud of and have him remind me of what a great wife and human I am.  Well, that isn’t really what happened….at all.

 

Throughout our relationship, we have always communicated well (we learned to), and my husband relies on my ability to handle things when he is unavailable.  It works!  However, the thing I usually forget, is that sometimes my husband likes to be involved in the planning of things.  So, whereas I took his schedule into consideration when I made the Master Plan for our summer/fall, he likes to ask questions, give his input, and be involved.  

 

Not going to lie, I was a bit annoyed that he didn’t just hail my brilliance, and he was a bit annoyed that I was a bit annoyed with his questions.  Instead of continuing to grind our way through it, we tabled this talk: it was after 10pm and I am not at my best that late, and he would be home in a day or two and we could hash it out then.  Perfect.

 

When he got home, we did talk it out: we talked about how he is frustrated that I have these great conference opportunities and he isn’t sure he will be able to attend both and support me like he wants, we talked about how we want to do vacations and places we want to go, we talked about how I wanted him to be impressed with my plan, we talked about it all. 

 

So, what is the point of my story?  

 

Sometimes you need to know when to hit pause on a conversation if it will only end up in an argument and talk about it when you can be face-to-face and not be so emotionally attached to the subject of the discussion (for me it was my plan, for him it was his ever-changing schedule).  It is easy to argue, and sometimes it’s good to get it all out, but it can also be more beneficial to prevent the argument and revisit the topic when you can communicate effectively without the added emotion.

 

What are some ways you have learned to communicate with your spouse/partner?

 

“Mindfulness” Has to Go

Mindfulness is a transformative quality—I truly believe that. I have seen what mindfulness can do firsthand in my work with college students, teachers, and others. It can bring focus, peace of mind, productivity, agency, calm, stress-reduction, and other positive change.

            I use the term in my teaching (I teach an undergraduate course called Mindfulness & Learning), in meditation workshops, and in my writing (dissertation, journal articles). I’m guilty of relying on the word since society has become so familiar with it. It’s purely for marketing reasons, I suppose.

            But I don’t like the word, “mindfulness.”

First, things are often lost in translation. The word, mindfulness, a practice originating within Buddhism in about 500 B.C.E. comes from the Sanskrit word, smrit, which means to remember.  Funny how that word is never associated with current notions of mindfulness. For instance, remember what? One’s cell phone number (good luck with that). 

Popular definitions of mindfulness generally describe it as a quality of present-moment, centered awareness or as mindfulness pioneer, Jon Kabat Zinn added, “paying attention on purpose” and in a “non-judgmental manner.” I particularly like Buddhist psychotherapist Miles Neale’s version, the idea that mindfulness gives us “recognition and choice.” This has an empowering ring.

            Maybe so many definitions have emerged around mindfulness because the word itself was not a good one to begin with in the West. Consider how it sounds: mind—ful. The mind is full of something, it’s occupied. That’s actually not it at all. 

A meditative mind is open, completely present—what Zen masters might call, no mind. 

But if we start calling it no-mind that doesn’t work either; people start thinking “hey, why would I want to go around without a mind. That doesn’t sound intelligent.”

Complicating matters is the word, mindfulness, has become pop-cultured thanks to capitalism. There are face creams, candles, dice, necklaces, pet food, and snacks—using the word “mindfulness” in some form. I’m personally not sure how eating bags of organic popcorn makes me more mindful (compared to eating something else), though I do enjoy it.

So what do we call this quality? What do we do about this word?

I think if we trace “mindfulness’ back to its roots, the Buddha’s significant contribution to the world was the practice of “watching.” He taught to watch the breath, to watch the sensations in the body, to watch when walking, eating, doing daily chores, to watch emotions arise and fall. To increase awareness, we develop the skill or quality of watchfulness.

The late meditation master and controversial guru, Osho, used the term, witnessing. For example, when meditating, simply sit and witness the breath, witness the thoughts without evaluating. That seems to be more of what we are doing when we practice “mindfulness.” 

We are watching or witnessing our inner dimension—without judgement—so we can know ourselves, be centered, and less reactive.

Maybe as time goes on, we will adopt a new word, a new way of describing this quality. Maybe I need to change the titles of my courses, my trainings, my future book—who knows? Let’s just watch and see what happens.

-Steve

To chat with Steve more about mindfulness and not mindfulness, please email him here.  Thank you Steve for talking with us about this topic!

Write It Down

According to research everywhere, journaling is a tool that you can use to help make sense of all thoughts and feelings that you have on anything and everything.  It gives you a sense of ownership over your thoughts and feelings, can help you put things into perspective, and help you face those harder feelings.  It is a form of expression that can also be recognized as a form of healing and purging.

 

That being said, I usually fall flat on journaling.  I will be dedicated about it when things are stressful or chaotic; I am the type of person that likes to face things and by writing them down, I can do that.  But when my life is in balance or more under control, the journaling typically stops.  Does this sound like you?

 

One of the many benefits of mindfulness is that there are so many different tricks and tactics!  You do not have to be constantly practicing all of them, simultaneously, at all times.  For me, when things are under control, I have no idea what to journal about; what I ate for breakfast?  How the dog walk went?  Why I most definitely need that coffee mug that is shaped like an elephant?  Probably not; I don’t need to purge about those things or face them or really think about them in a deeper way.  But, when I am stressed, and my brain feels too cluttered and I can’t make sense of anything, I write it down.  I journal about it, lay it all out, and then look at it again.  Occasionally, the simple act of getting the jumble out of my head and onto the page solves most of my issues, other times, it allows me to mull it over in a more orderly fashion.  

 

Don’t be afraid to journal and write things down; you don’t have to have perfect grammar or sentence structure; you just need to vent it out.  At the same time, if journaling is not your thing, that is more than okay!  Mindfulness is not a one-size-fits-all because no one is an exact copy of another.

 

Does journaling help you?

When You Need to Detach

     One of the things my husband and I like to do together is listen to a book on Audible, either together or separately, and have discussions about it.  The types of books he is drawn to are leadership books, books on strategy, and books by military leaders.  To be honest, I'm not super interested in battle strategies or recounts of success by military leaders (some, but not all) and he is not going to have any interest in my Outlander adventure; but, leadership is something that is critical in his line of work and something I hope to also have an impact in.  Leadership books it is!  

    We started with Extreme Ownership by Jocko Willink and Leif Babin and that was so good we moved right into Leadership Strategies and Tactics by Jocko.  His books were encouraging, motivating, eye-opening, and very pleasant to listen to (anyone who listens to audiobooks understands how important that is).   I was fascinated by his notion of "detaching" from the situation and immediately recognized it as something I do not do very well.

    I am an emotionally based person, I feel with my whole self, am very empathetic, and anyone who is around me can usually tell how I'm feeling by looking at me.  I wouldn't say emotions drive my decisions, but they are a factor.  Even with communicating with my husband, he detaches and focuses on the issue, and I don't quite operate that way.  After listening to Jocko's two books, I decided that this is something I wanted to work on; how to take a step back from the situation, and analyze it more critically versus emotionally.  

    I would be misleading if I said this is something that has been a snap, in fact, quite the opposite.  It is something that I actively have to incorporate into my life when situations don't go as I want them to or unexpected chaos pops up that I have to handle.  But, I do find that when I detach successfully, I find the mental energy spent on the angst of emotions actually goes into handling the situation itself.  In my goal of finding mindfulness and being resilient, this notion of detaching is something I am going to continue to work into my regime.

Do you detach?  Does it help you analyze situations more clearly?

*I have also enrolled in the Women's Assembly from Echelon Front (the organization Jocko and Leif have built) and they give a free one-hour seminar on different tactics once a month.  If you are interested, you can find their website here for more information*

Let In the Light

Swept under the rug, the elephant in the room, bury it; we have all heard and (potentially) applied these phrases to negative things that have happened in life.  I am not here to tell you that utilizing the actions in one of those phrases is wrong, or that I have not done them myself.  What I am here to tell you is that they are not long-term solutions to any inconvenience or problem that may occur.

 

 

One of my defense mechanisms when it comes to handling situations that either a) upset me, b) embarrass me, or c) confuse me is to deal with it later.  I sweep it under the rug and put it in the deep recesses of my mind until I am ready to face it and deal with it.  I turn my attention to various other tasks (usually in the form of some household chore) and put all my effort into that to not think about The Problem.  Now, if I am with it, I will burn off my emotions with said household chore and it will have given me enough time to think and sort through what I want to do about The Problem.  If I happen to be human that day, I keep The Problem in that deep recess of my mind and let it fester and grow.  It morphs from The Problem to THE PROBLEM, and I have fed it my anxiety, my fear, and my negativity to get it there.  

 

 

The only way I have found to deal with this scenario is to eventually let in the light.  Instead of continuing to avoid The Problem/THE PROBLEM, I fully let it in and think about it.  I focus on what it is versus what I have now made it become.  I fight darkness with light, and that means I give it the spotlight it needs to shrink it back down to size.  I equate this to turning on your bedroom light when you had a bad dream as a kid; all of a sudden the monsters you thought were there, are gone.  Stop, breathe, and see what exactly The Problem is and why it has you upset.  

 

Albus Dumbledore said it best:

“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light."

 

What strategies do you use to turn on the light?

What’s Your Love Language?

Until a few years ago, I had never thought of love languages as anything, but the languages derived from Latin such as Spanish or French (these are in fact romance languages, not love languages…the things you learn).  It turns out love languages is not only a book, quiz, and fascinating topic, it is an eye-opener.

 

Being the constant learner I am, I made my husband and I take the love language quiz (I googled one online, there are several).  My highest score for Receiving love was Quality of Time and my highest score for Giving love was Acts of Service.  What an epiphany!  I thought back to the little squabbles and tiffs my husband and I have had over the years and some of them now gave me so much clarity, it was like I was just given an answer key to a test.  I would always get upset when he would be preoccupied with work when we spent time together, or when we had intended to do lunch, but our lunch spot was closed, and he decided to just head into work.  It wasn’t the actual lack of lunch that bothered me or that he would get calls when we were together, but it was the quality of the time we spent together that bothered me.  When I explained this to him, he too had an epiphany.  

 

Part of having mindfulness in your relationship is understanding what makes your partner tick and love languages are part of that tick.  Now that my husband knows that I value quality of time, he can plan/act accordingly to make sure I don’t feel slighted or dismissed.  His highest score for Receiving love is gifts, so I can drop off his favorite snack at the office or grab something I know he likes to satisfy his love language.

 

Knowing your own and your partner's love language is not meant to stress you out, it is simply another tool to put in your toolbox to NOT stress you out.  This is simply another way to know your partner and understand why they get upset over certain things or why they seem to appreciate random things a little extra.  After all, if knowing your partners love language eliminates some stress or unwanted tiffles; isn’t that worth it?

 

Do you know your love language?

When Partnerships Need to be 80/20

Relationships are supposed to be 50/50; you each put in the work and dedication to make the relationship bloom and last.  But there are times when putting in your 50 is just not possible; I’m talking about when life is throwing you all kinds of curveballs and you are at your wit's end.

 

Every relationship goes through periods of growth and expressing to your partner that you are running on empty presents an opportunity for growth.  When I am overworked, overwhelmed, and feel like I am barely treading water, I will tell my husband “I need you to be 80% right now” and he responds with a “Not a problem, let me see your list and what I can take off it”.  This was not always an automatic response as we had to learn it, I had to figure out how to tell him I needed help and he needed to figure out how to ask me what I needed without me adding that to my list to also figure out.

 

It sounds simple, but it's oddly complex.  Asking your partner to take up some of your slack until you get your bearings is uncomfortable.  I hated asking my husband for help at first because he also has a job, demands on his time, and a long to-do list.  But I was not being a good partner if I couldn’t be honest with him about what I needed and I realized that feeling guilty for that was a complete waste of emotion and a way for me to stay in my frazzled state.  My husband felt better taking a few items off my list and when I was able to breathe again, I would simply state “I’m good now, thank you for stepping in for me”.  There are times when he tells me that he needs me to be 80% and I am totally good with stepping in until he feels better.

 

You aren’t asking your partner to now be 80% of the relationship all the time but asking for help and being honest with what you need is the first step to feeling better.  Being a good partner means knowing what you need to get back to a calm state, and sometimes, that means being 80/20.

 

What are your thoughts on 80/20?

I've Been Bamboozled

I admit it: I have officially been bamboozled.  In case you weren’t exactly aware, being bamboozled is a state of mind and an emotional concoction of awe, shock, frustration, and sadness.  You might recognize the feeling of bamboozlement when your favorite TV show leaves you on a cliffhanger and makes you wait a whole year or when something similar happens when you read a book, only to find that it is a series, and you must wait for the next installment.  Bamboozled.

 

I was bamboozled on Sunday; I was finishing Book 6 of the Outlander series (A Breath of Snow and Ashes by Diana Gabaldon) and then it happened: two secondary characters that I love dearly betrayed the star Outlander couple of Jamie and Claire and therefore betrayed me as well.  I closed the book and sat there, utterly bamboozled.  Still not over this treachery, I complain to my mom the next morning still feeling the bamboozlement and she told me “Well, that’s the sign of a good book and a good author, right?  The fact that she can make you feel this way and so deeply, over fictional characters, is really impressive”.  She’s right (as per usual via the Mother Handbook), and this got me thinking about this feeling of bamboozlement and what it meant.

 

Being the Type A and super introspective person that I am, when something doesn’t go the way I want it, or I get thrown for a loop, I think about it and chew on it until I can handle whatever chaos was just thrown at me.  I process my thoughts and feelings so much that it could almost be a hindrance in some cases.  Yet, when I am bamboozled by a book, I just let myself stay in that state, and somehow, I manage to put it past me.  It is almost as if I accept the feeling, embrace the feeling, and then simply move past it.  So, what would happen if I embraced the bamboozlement of life?  What if instead of vigorously trying to handle/manage/control everything that life throws at me, I embrace feeling bamboozled?  As “embrace” is my word for the New Year, maybe I should give it a try and not be afraid of getting bamboozled; what would happen if I just felt it?  I have always been of the mind to face things and fix them; but what if I faced them and felt them first?  Face it, feel it, fix it.  Stay tuned for more on bamboozlement!

 

Have you ever felt bamboozled by a TV show, book, or life?  How do you feel it?