When You Need to Detach

     One of the things my husband and I like to do together is listen to a book on Audible, either together or separately, and have discussions about it.  The types of books he is drawn to are leadership books, books on strategy, and books by military leaders.  To be honest, I'm not super interested in battle strategies or recounts of success by military leaders (some, but not all) and he is not going to have any interest in my Outlander adventure; but, leadership is something that is critical in his line of work and something I hope to also have an impact in.  Leadership books it is!  

    We started with Extreme Ownership by Jocko Willink and Leif Babin and that was so good we moved right into Leadership Strategies and Tactics by Jocko.  His books were encouraging, motivating, eye-opening, and very pleasant to listen to (anyone who listens to audiobooks understands how important that is).   I was fascinated by his notion of "detaching" from the situation and immediately recognized it as something I do not do very well.

    I am an emotionally based person, I feel with my whole self, am very empathetic, and anyone who is around me can usually tell how I'm feeling by looking at me.  I wouldn't say emotions drive my decisions, but they are a factor.  Even with communicating with my husband, he detaches and focuses on the issue, and I don't quite operate that way.  After listening to Jocko's two books, I decided that this is something I wanted to work on; how to take a step back from the situation, and analyze it more critically versus emotionally.  

    I would be misleading if I said this is something that has been a snap, in fact, quite the opposite.  It is something that I actively have to incorporate into my life when situations don't go as I want them to or unexpected chaos pops up that I have to handle.  But, I do find that when I detach successfully, I find the mental energy spent on the angst of emotions actually goes into handling the situation itself.  In my goal of finding mindfulness and being resilient, this notion of detaching is something I am going to continue to work into my regime.

Do you detach?  Does it help you analyze situations more clearly?

*I have also enrolled in the Women's Assembly from Echelon Front (the organization Jocko and Leif have built) and they give a free one-hour seminar on different tactics once a month.  If you are interested, you can find their website here for more information*

Let In the Light

Swept under the rug, the elephant in the room, bury it; we have all heard and (potentially) applied these phrases to negative things that have happened in life.  I am not here to tell you that utilizing the actions in one of those phrases is wrong, or that I have not done them myself.  What I am here to tell you is that they are not long-term solutions to any inconvenience or problem that may occur.

 

 

One of my defense mechanisms when it comes to handling situations that either a) upset me, b) embarrass me, or c) confuse me is to deal with it later.  I sweep it under the rug and put it in the deep recesses of my mind until I am ready to face it and deal with it.  I turn my attention to various other tasks (usually in the form of some household chore) and put all my effort into that to not think about The Problem.  Now, if I am with it, I will burn off my emotions with said household chore and it will have given me enough time to think and sort through what I want to do about The Problem.  If I happen to be human that day, I keep The Problem in that deep recess of my mind and let it fester and grow.  It morphs from The Problem to THE PROBLEM, and I have fed it my anxiety, my fear, and my negativity to get it there.  

 

 

The only way I have found to deal with this scenario is to eventually let in the light.  Instead of continuing to avoid The Problem/THE PROBLEM, I fully let it in and think about it.  I focus on what it is versus what I have now made it become.  I fight darkness with light, and that means I give it the spotlight it needs to shrink it back down to size.  I equate this to turning on your bedroom light when you had a bad dream as a kid; all of a sudden the monsters you thought were there, are gone.  Stop, breathe, and see what exactly The Problem is and why it has you upset.  

 

Albus Dumbledore said it best:

“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light."

 

What strategies do you use to turn on the light?

Balance: Attainable or Barely?

“Balance” is one of those terms you hear all the time: balanced diet, balanced exercise, work-home balance, etc.  I find this word super easy to say, and yet the concept to be difficult to handle.  Achieving balance for me is easy: I notice what is off-kilter in my life, make an action plan, and then act.  And for a few weeks, all is well balanced and running so smoothly; it’s wonderful.

 

And then my husband has a surprise field exercise for a week, the dogs get sick, other commitments creep into my life, and then before I can even realize it, I am off balance…again.  Does anyone else find themselves in a similar cycle?  

 

The good news about this whole finding/regaining balance issue is that we are all human and this is just part of life as a human.  When you are struggling to find your balance, take heart in that!  Balance is something that is attainable, but that will ebb and flow with the calm or chaos of life.  It is meant to be gotten, lost, re-assessed, and achieved once more.  When your balance is lost for the moment, take five seconds to take five deep breaths and remind yourself that 1.) this too shall pass, 2.) things will not stay in this current situation forever, and 3.) you found your balance before, so you will do it again.  Trust and believe in yourself to embrace the chaos and straighten it out in time.  Sometimes the more we fight or dwell on something, the longer it will take us to achieve the desired effect.  Acknowledge the craziness and then trust that you will find calm once again.

 

What are some tips and tricks you use to get back your balance?

What’s Your Love Language?

Until a few years ago, I had never thought of love languages as anything, but the languages derived from Latin such as Spanish or French (these are in fact romance languages, not love languages…the things you learn).  It turns out love languages is not only a book, quiz, and fascinating topic, it is an eye-opener.

 

Being the constant learner I am, I made my husband and I take the love language quiz (I googled one online, there are several).  My highest score for Receiving love was Quality of Time and my highest score for Giving love was Acts of Service.  What an epiphany!  I thought back to the little squabbles and tiffs my husband and I have had over the years and some of them now gave me so much clarity, it was like I was just given an answer key to a test.  I would always get upset when he would be preoccupied with work when we spent time together, or when we had intended to do lunch, but our lunch spot was closed, and he decided to just head into work.  It wasn’t the actual lack of lunch that bothered me or that he would get calls when we were together, but it was the quality of the time we spent together that bothered me.  When I explained this to him, he too had an epiphany.  

 

Part of having mindfulness in your relationship is understanding what makes your partner tick and love languages are part of that tick.  Now that my husband knows that I value quality of time, he can plan/act accordingly to make sure I don’t feel slighted or dismissed.  His highest score for Receiving love is gifts, so I can drop off his favorite snack at the office or grab something I know he likes to satisfy his love language.

 

Knowing your own and your partner's love language is not meant to stress you out, it is simply another tool to put in your toolbox to NOT stress you out.  This is simply another way to know your partner and understand why they get upset over certain things or why they seem to appreciate random things a little extra.  After all, if knowing your partners love language eliminates some stress or unwanted tiffles; isn’t that worth it?

 

Do you know your love language?