Communication is Key

I like to think of myself as a Master Planner: I have a pretty good understanding of my husbands’ schedule (as ever-changing as it is), my schedule, our dogs’ needs, vacation schedules, etc.  When I make an action plan, I usually take everything into consideration, I try and look at it from all possible sides and like a box of 500 puzzle pieces, dump it out and try and make it work.  This was the case earlier this week.  I have a couple of opportunities for conferences abroad this year (one in the summer and one in the fall) as well as vacation goals as a family.  So, in true fashion, I dumped all the pieces out and went about sifting through them until I could find a way that we could experience all the events this summer/fall season and not have to sacrifice or miss much.

 

My husband is in and out of the field, so when he called that night, at 10pm, I couldn’t wait to tell him my brilliant plan that I was super proud of and have him remind me of what a great wife and human I am.  Well, that isn’t really what happened….at all.

 

Throughout our relationship, we have always communicated well (we learned to), and my husband relies on my ability to handle things when he is unavailable.  It works!  However, the thing I usually forget, is that sometimes my husband likes to be involved in the planning of things.  So, whereas I took his schedule into consideration when I made the Master Plan for our summer/fall, he likes to ask questions, give his input, and be involved.  

 

Not going to lie, I was a bit annoyed that he didn’t just hail my brilliance, and he was a bit annoyed that I was a bit annoyed with his questions.  Instead of continuing to grind our way through it, we tabled this talk: it was after 10pm and I am not at my best that late, and he would be home in a day or two and we could hash it out then.  Perfect.

 

When he got home, we did talk it out: we talked about how he is frustrated that I have these great conference opportunities and he isn’t sure he will be able to attend both and support me like he wants, we talked about how we want to do vacations and places we want to go, we talked about how I wanted him to be impressed with my plan, we talked about it all. 

 

So, what is the point of my story?  

 

Sometimes you need to know when to hit pause on a conversation if it will only end up in an argument and talk about it when you can be face-to-face and not be so emotionally attached to the subject of the discussion (for me it was my plan, for him it was his ever-changing schedule).  It is easy to argue, and sometimes it’s good to get it all out, but it can also be more beneficial to prevent the argument and revisit the topic when you can communicate effectively without the added emotion.

 

What are some ways you have learned to communicate with your spouse/partner?

 

What’s Your Love Language?

Until a few years ago, I had never thought of love languages as anything, but the languages derived from Latin such as Spanish or French (these are in fact romance languages, not love languages…the things you learn).  It turns out love languages is not only a book, quiz, and fascinating topic, it is an eye-opener.

 

Being the constant learner I am, I made my husband and I take the love language quiz (I googled one online, there are several).  My highest score for Receiving love was Quality of Time and my highest score for Giving love was Acts of Service.  What an epiphany!  I thought back to the little squabbles and tiffs my husband and I have had over the years and some of them now gave me so much clarity, it was like I was just given an answer key to a test.  I would always get upset when he would be preoccupied with work when we spent time together, or when we had intended to do lunch, but our lunch spot was closed, and he decided to just head into work.  It wasn’t the actual lack of lunch that bothered me or that he would get calls when we were together, but it was the quality of the time we spent together that bothered me.  When I explained this to him, he too had an epiphany.  

 

Part of having mindfulness in your relationship is understanding what makes your partner tick and love languages are part of that tick.  Now that my husband knows that I value quality of time, he can plan/act accordingly to make sure I don’t feel slighted or dismissed.  His highest score for Receiving love is gifts, so I can drop off his favorite snack at the office or grab something I know he likes to satisfy his love language.

 

Knowing your own and your partner's love language is not meant to stress you out, it is simply another tool to put in your toolbox to NOT stress you out.  This is simply another way to know your partner and understand why they get upset over certain things or why they seem to appreciate random things a little extra.  After all, if knowing your partners love language eliminates some stress or unwanted tiffles; isn’t that worth it?

 

Do you know your love language?

When Partnerships Need to be 80/20

Relationships are supposed to be 50/50; you each put in the work and dedication to make the relationship bloom and last.  But there are times when putting in your 50 is just not possible; I’m talking about when life is throwing you all kinds of curveballs and you are at your wit's end.

 

Every relationship goes through periods of growth and expressing to your partner that you are running on empty presents an opportunity for growth.  When I am overworked, overwhelmed, and feel like I am barely treading water, I will tell my husband “I need you to be 80% right now” and he responds with a “Not a problem, let me see your list and what I can take off it”.  This was not always an automatic response as we had to learn it, I had to figure out how to tell him I needed help and he needed to figure out how to ask me what I needed without me adding that to my list to also figure out.

 

It sounds simple, but it's oddly complex.  Asking your partner to take up some of your slack until you get your bearings is uncomfortable.  I hated asking my husband for help at first because he also has a job, demands on his time, and a long to-do list.  But I was not being a good partner if I couldn’t be honest with him about what I needed and I realized that feeling guilty for that was a complete waste of emotion and a way for me to stay in my frazzled state.  My husband felt better taking a few items off my list and when I was able to breathe again, I would simply state “I’m good now, thank you for stepping in for me”.  There are times when he tells me that he needs me to be 80% and I am totally good with stepping in until he feels better.

 

You aren’t asking your partner to now be 80% of the relationship all the time but asking for help and being honest with what you need is the first step to feeling better.  Being a good partner means knowing what you need to get back to a calm state, and sometimes, that means being 80/20.

 

What are your thoughts on 80/20?