When Partnerships Need to be 80/20

Relationships are supposed to be 50/50; you each put in the work and dedication to make the relationship bloom and last.  But there are times when putting in your 50 is just not possible; I’m talking about when life is throwing you all kinds of curveballs and you are at your wit's end.

 

Every relationship goes through periods of growth and expressing to your partner that you are running on empty presents an opportunity for growth.  When I am overworked, overwhelmed, and feel like I am barely treading water, I will tell my husband “I need you to be 80% right now” and he responds with a “Not a problem, let me see your list and what I can take off it”.  This was not always an automatic response as we had to learn it, I had to figure out how to tell him I needed help and he needed to figure out how to ask me what I needed without me adding that to my list to also figure out.

 

It sounds simple, but it's oddly complex.  Asking your partner to take up some of your slack until you get your bearings is uncomfortable.  I hated asking my husband for help at first because he also has a job, demands on his time, and a long to-do list.  But I was not being a good partner if I couldn’t be honest with him about what I needed and I realized that feeling guilty for that was a complete waste of emotion and a way for me to stay in my frazzled state.  My husband felt better taking a few items off my list and when I was able to breathe again, I would simply state “I’m good now, thank you for stepping in for me”.  There are times when he tells me that he needs me to be 80% and I am totally good with stepping in until he feels better.

 

You aren’t asking your partner to now be 80% of the relationship all the time but asking for help and being honest with what you need is the first step to feeling better.  Being a good partner means knowing what you need to get back to a calm state, and sometimes, that means being 80/20.

 

What are your thoughts on 80/20?

I've Been Bamboozled

I admit it: I have officially been bamboozled.  In case you weren’t exactly aware, being bamboozled is a state of mind and an emotional concoction of awe, shock, frustration, and sadness.  You might recognize the feeling of bamboozlement when your favorite TV show leaves you on a cliffhanger and makes you wait a whole year or when something similar happens when you read a book, only to find that it is a series, and you must wait for the next installment.  Bamboozled.

 

I was bamboozled on Sunday; I was finishing Book 6 of the Outlander series (A Breath of Snow and Ashes by Diana Gabaldon) and then it happened: two secondary characters that I love dearly betrayed the star Outlander couple of Jamie and Claire and therefore betrayed me as well.  I closed the book and sat there, utterly bamboozled.  Still not over this treachery, I complain to my mom the next morning still feeling the bamboozlement and she told me “Well, that’s the sign of a good book and a good author, right?  The fact that she can make you feel this way and so deeply, over fictional characters, is really impressive”.  She’s right (as per usual via the Mother Handbook), and this got me thinking about this feeling of bamboozlement and what it meant.

 

Being the Type A and super introspective person that I am, when something doesn’t go the way I want it, or I get thrown for a loop, I think about it and chew on it until I can handle whatever chaos was just thrown at me.  I process my thoughts and feelings so much that it could almost be a hindrance in some cases.  Yet, when I am bamboozled by a book, I just let myself stay in that state, and somehow, I manage to put it past me.  It is almost as if I accept the feeling, embrace the feeling, and then simply move past it.  So, what would happen if I embraced the bamboozlement of life?  What if instead of vigorously trying to handle/manage/control everything that life throws at me, I embrace feeling bamboozled?  As “embrace” is my word for the New Year, maybe I should give it a try and not be afraid of getting bamboozled; what would happen if I just felt it?  I have always been of the mind to face things and fix them; but what if I faced them and felt them first?  Face it, feel it, fix it.  Stay tuned for more on bamboozlement!

 

Have you ever felt bamboozled by a TV show, book, or life?  How do you feel it?

Toxic Intake

A prominent part of every new mindfulness technique, self-care guide, and mental health awareness talks about toxicity and culling it from your life.  In the research I have read, it usually discusses the importance of boundaries with the negative influences in your life, be it that drama-filled friend, intense in-laws, or the clothes in your closet that you have yet to purge.  All of this is great advice and should be considered when you are reflecting on the traces of toxicity in your life.

 

However, there are other forms of toxic intake that are not as prominently discussed, and these traces get absorbed into your life by sight and sound: what you read, what you watch, and what you scroll.  I am a person that when in certain moods, I go all in, and this is the same personality trait that had me watching Criminal Minds for a ridiculous number of weekends while my husband was deployed the second time.  All of a sudden I started to become a little more negative, which was very unusual for my normally upbeat personality.  I was nervous to walk the dog alone, I would obsessively check my door locks...it was getting a little out of hand.  I remember talking to my mom on the phone and she gave me such a brilliant nugget of advice: “Stop watching that, put on something happy like Scooby-Doo (a personal favorite), and read something fun”.  I did exactly what she told me, and I became a whole new person; better yet, I became myself once more.

 

We absorb an incredible amount of information every day, and sometimes we need to re-evaluate what that information is doing to our mood and our inner voice.  If watching/reading the news is stressing you out, take a break.  If you scroll through social media and find yourself comparing your life to everyone you follow, take a break.  These kinds of toxic intake slowly erode your well-being and we tend not to notice until we are experiencing dramatic mood changes and it gets pointed out to us.  

 

Cutting the toxic out of your life might certainly mean that dramatic friend, but it also may mean limiting your exposure to negativity on a screen to a lower number until you regain your sense of self.  People say ignorance is bliss, and while I don’t want to be completely ignorant, I am a fan of having gaps in my information absorption.

 

How many of you have ever given up a form of social media?  How long did it last?  How did you feel?

New Year New You?

To be completely honest, I’m not one for New Year’s Resolutions; I used to be though.  I would make a list that would have 3-5 items I wanted to change or accomplish in the new year ahead.  For a while it was fine, it was working, but the problem I have (and probably many others) is that the year is long, life is chaotic, and my ambitious self in January with 5 resolutions becomes a bit bogged down.  Then somewhere around August, I realized I haven’t been putting forth as much of an effort, and then the guilt sets in.  Does this loop sound familiar at all?

 

I decided about two years ago that it was time to break this loop of New Year’s resolutions and the “new year new me” mindset that seems to be ever-growing in popularity.  I decided to shorten my list to one item: a word.  That’s right, I would choose a word that I wanted to incorporate into my life more or bring more awareness to.  Last year I chose the word “guilt” because I tend to hold myself to crazy standards and feel guilty if I let someone down, take a rest day, read instead of walking my dogs, sleep in, eat a piece of cake, not being able to volunteer at an event, etc.…you name it, I feel guilt over it.  By choosing this word, it brought more awareness to my thoughts and feelings surrounding that emotion.  

 

Realistically I could choose “guilt” as my word every year (I am a work in progress myself!), but I don’t because that doesn’t send a very nice message to your inner self, does it?  This year my word is “embrace”.  I choose to embrace the challenges, the good things, the work, the stress and own it.  It is easy to get annoyed, angry, bummed, and frustrated when there is another hoop to jump through, another task to complete, yet one more edit to make; but my goal is to not stay mired in those emotions, and instead embrace those challenges and own them.  Personally, I tend to exert a lot of energy and effort in frustration when things don’t go the way I want them the first time, but this year, I want to put some of that energy into embracing whatever challenge/obstacle it may be.  

 

So, this year, I choose to embrace life: the good, the bad, the ugly, the funny, the stressful, and the sweet and see where it takes me. 

 

Happy New Year my friends!

 

Does anyone else choose a word for the year?