Let In the Light

Swept under the rug, the elephant in the room, bury it; we have all heard and (potentially) applied these phrases to negative things that have happened in life.  I am not here to tell you that utilizing the actions in one of those phrases is wrong, or that I have not done them myself.  What I am here to tell you is that they are not long-term solutions to any inconvenience or problem that may occur.

 

 

One of my defense mechanisms when it comes to handling situations that either a) upset me, b) embarrass me, or c) confuse me is to deal with it later.  I sweep it under the rug and put it in the deep recesses of my mind until I am ready to face it and deal with it.  I turn my attention to various other tasks (usually in the form of some household chore) and put all my effort into that to not think about The Problem.  Now, if I am with it, I will burn off my emotions with said household chore and it will have given me enough time to think and sort through what I want to do about The Problem.  If I happen to be human that day, I keep The Problem in that deep recess of my mind and let it fester and grow.  It morphs from The Problem to THE PROBLEM, and I have fed it my anxiety, my fear, and my negativity to get it there.  

 

 

The only way I have found to deal with this scenario is to eventually let in the light.  Instead of continuing to avoid The Problem/THE PROBLEM, I fully let it in and think about it.  I focus on what it is versus what I have now made it become.  I fight darkness with light, and that means I give it the spotlight it needs to shrink it back down to size.  I equate this to turning on your bedroom light when you had a bad dream as a kid; all of a sudden the monsters you thought were there, are gone.  Stop, breathe, and see what exactly The Problem is and why it has you upset.  

 

Albus Dumbledore said it best:

“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light."

 

What strategies do you use to turn on the light?

Balance: Attainable or Barely?

“Balance” is one of those terms you hear all the time: balanced diet, balanced exercise, work-home balance, etc.  I find this word super easy to say, and yet the concept to be difficult to handle.  Achieving balance for me is easy: I notice what is off-kilter in my life, make an action plan, and then act.  And for a few weeks, all is well balanced and running so smoothly; it’s wonderful.

 

And then my husband has a surprise field exercise for a week, the dogs get sick, other commitments creep into my life, and then before I can even realize it, I am off balance…again.  Does anyone else find themselves in a similar cycle?  

 

The good news about this whole finding/regaining balance issue is that we are all human and this is just part of life as a human.  When you are struggling to find your balance, take heart in that!  Balance is something that is attainable, but that will ebb and flow with the calm or chaos of life.  It is meant to be gotten, lost, re-assessed, and achieved once more.  When your balance is lost for the moment, take five seconds to take five deep breaths and remind yourself that 1.) this too shall pass, 2.) things will not stay in this current situation forever, and 3.) you found your balance before, so you will do it again.  Trust and believe in yourself to embrace the chaos and straighten it out in time.  Sometimes the more we fight or dwell on something, the longer it will take us to achieve the desired effect.  Acknowledge the craziness and then trust that you will find calm once again.

 

What are some tips and tricks you use to get back your balance?

What’s Your Love Language?

Until a few years ago, I had never thought of love languages as anything, but the languages derived from Latin such as Spanish or French (these are in fact romance languages, not love languages…the things you learn).  It turns out love languages is not only a book, quiz, and fascinating topic, it is an eye-opener.

 

Being the constant learner I am, I made my husband and I take the love language quiz (I googled one online, there are several).  My highest score for Receiving love was Quality of Time and my highest score for Giving love was Acts of Service.  What an epiphany!  I thought back to the little squabbles and tiffs my husband and I have had over the years and some of them now gave me so much clarity, it was like I was just given an answer key to a test.  I would always get upset when he would be preoccupied with work when we spent time together, or when we had intended to do lunch, but our lunch spot was closed, and he decided to just head into work.  It wasn’t the actual lack of lunch that bothered me or that he would get calls when we were together, but it was the quality of the time we spent together that bothered me.  When I explained this to him, he too had an epiphany.  

 

Part of having mindfulness in your relationship is understanding what makes your partner tick and love languages are part of that tick.  Now that my husband knows that I value quality of time, he can plan/act accordingly to make sure I don’t feel slighted or dismissed.  His highest score for Receiving love is gifts, so I can drop off his favorite snack at the office or grab something I know he likes to satisfy his love language.

 

Knowing your own and your partner's love language is not meant to stress you out, it is simply another tool to put in your toolbox to NOT stress you out.  This is simply another way to know your partner and understand why they get upset over certain things or why they seem to appreciate random things a little extra.  After all, if knowing your partners love language eliminates some stress or unwanted tiffles; isn’t that worth it?

 

Do you know your love language?

When Partnerships Need to be 80/20

Relationships are supposed to be 50/50; you each put in the work and dedication to make the relationship bloom and last.  But there are times when putting in your 50 is just not possible; I’m talking about when life is throwing you all kinds of curveballs and you are at your wit's end.

 

Every relationship goes through periods of growth and expressing to your partner that you are running on empty presents an opportunity for growth.  When I am overworked, overwhelmed, and feel like I am barely treading water, I will tell my husband “I need you to be 80% right now” and he responds with a “Not a problem, let me see your list and what I can take off it”.  This was not always an automatic response as we had to learn it, I had to figure out how to tell him I needed help and he needed to figure out how to ask me what I needed without me adding that to my list to also figure out.

 

It sounds simple, but it's oddly complex.  Asking your partner to take up some of your slack until you get your bearings is uncomfortable.  I hated asking my husband for help at first because he also has a job, demands on his time, and a long to-do list.  But I was not being a good partner if I couldn’t be honest with him about what I needed and I realized that feeling guilty for that was a complete waste of emotion and a way for me to stay in my frazzled state.  My husband felt better taking a few items off my list and when I was able to breathe again, I would simply state “I’m good now, thank you for stepping in for me”.  There are times when he tells me that he needs me to be 80% and I am totally good with stepping in until he feels better.

 

You aren’t asking your partner to now be 80% of the relationship all the time but asking for help and being honest with what you need is the first step to feeling better.  Being a good partner means knowing what you need to get back to a calm state, and sometimes, that means being 80/20.

 

What are your thoughts on 80/20?

I've Been Bamboozled

I admit it: I have officially been bamboozled.  In case you weren’t exactly aware, being bamboozled is a state of mind and an emotional concoction of awe, shock, frustration, and sadness.  You might recognize the feeling of bamboozlement when your favorite TV show leaves you on a cliffhanger and makes you wait a whole year or when something similar happens when you read a book, only to find that it is a series, and you must wait for the next installment.  Bamboozled.

 

I was bamboozled on Sunday; I was finishing Book 6 of the Outlander series (A Breath of Snow and Ashes by Diana Gabaldon) and then it happened: two secondary characters that I love dearly betrayed the star Outlander couple of Jamie and Claire and therefore betrayed me as well.  I closed the book and sat there, utterly bamboozled.  Still not over this treachery, I complain to my mom the next morning still feeling the bamboozlement and she told me “Well, that’s the sign of a good book and a good author, right?  The fact that she can make you feel this way and so deeply, over fictional characters, is really impressive”.  She’s right (as per usual via the Mother Handbook), and this got me thinking about this feeling of bamboozlement and what it meant.

 

Being the Type A and super introspective person that I am, when something doesn’t go the way I want it, or I get thrown for a loop, I think about it and chew on it until I can handle whatever chaos was just thrown at me.  I process my thoughts and feelings so much that it could almost be a hindrance in some cases.  Yet, when I am bamboozled by a book, I just let myself stay in that state, and somehow, I manage to put it past me.  It is almost as if I accept the feeling, embrace the feeling, and then simply move past it.  So, what would happen if I embraced the bamboozlement of life?  What if instead of vigorously trying to handle/manage/control everything that life throws at me, I embrace feeling bamboozled?  As “embrace” is my word for the New Year, maybe I should give it a try and not be afraid of getting bamboozled; what would happen if I just felt it?  I have always been of the mind to face things and fix them; but what if I faced them and felt them first?  Face it, feel it, fix it.  Stay tuned for more on bamboozlement!

 

Have you ever felt bamboozled by a TV show, book, or life?  How do you feel it?

Toxic Intake

A prominent part of every new mindfulness technique, self-care guide, and mental health awareness talks about toxicity and culling it from your life.  In the research I have read, it usually discusses the importance of boundaries with the negative influences in your life, be it that drama-filled friend, intense in-laws, or the clothes in your closet that you have yet to purge.  All of this is great advice and should be considered when you are reflecting on the traces of toxicity in your life.

 

However, there are other forms of toxic intake that are not as prominently discussed, and these traces get absorbed into your life by sight and sound: what you read, what you watch, and what you scroll.  I am a person that when in certain moods, I go all in, and this is the same personality trait that had me watching Criminal Minds for a ridiculous number of weekends while my husband was deployed the second time.  All of a sudden I started to become a little more negative, which was very unusual for my normally upbeat personality.  I was nervous to walk the dog alone, I would obsessively check my door locks...it was getting a little out of hand.  I remember talking to my mom on the phone and she gave me such a brilliant nugget of advice: “Stop watching that, put on something happy like Scooby-Doo (a personal favorite), and read something fun”.  I did exactly what she told me, and I became a whole new person; better yet, I became myself once more.

 

We absorb an incredible amount of information every day, and sometimes we need to re-evaluate what that information is doing to our mood and our inner voice.  If watching/reading the news is stressing you out, take a break.  If you scroll through social media and find yourself comparing your life to everyone you follow, take a break.  These kinds of toxic intake slowly erode your well-being and we tend not to notice until we are experiencing dramatic mood changes and it gets pointed out to us.  

 

Cutting the toxic out of your life might certainly mean that dramatic friend, but it also may mean limiting your exposure to negativity on a screen to a lower number until you regain your sense of self.  People say ignorance is bliss, and while I don’t want to be completely ignorant, I am a fan of having gaps in my information absorption.

 

How many of you have ever given up a form of social media?  How long did it last?  How did you feel?

New Year New You?

To be completely honest, I’m not one for New Year’s Resolutions; I used to be though.  I would make a list that would have 3-5 items I wanted to change or accomplish in the new year ahead.  For a while it was fine, it was working, but the problem I have (and probably many others) is that the year is long, life is chaotic, and my ambitious self in January with 5 resolutions becomes a bit bogged down.  Then somewhere around August, I realized I haven’t been putting forth as much of an effort, and then the guilt sets in.  Does this loop sound familiar at all?

 

I decided about two years ago that it was time to break this loop of New Year’s resolutions and the “new year new me” mindset that seems to be ever-growing in popularity.  I decided to shorten my list to one item: a word.  That’s right, I would choose a word that I wanted to incorporate into my life more or bring more awareness to.  Last year I chose the word “guilt” because I tend to hold myself to crazy standards and feel guilty if I let someone down, take a rest day, read instead of walking my dogs, sleep in, eat a piece of cake, not being able to volunteer at an event, etc.…you name it, I feel guilt over it.  By choosing this word, it brought more awareness to my thoughts and feelings surrounding that emotion.  

 

Realistically I could choose “guilt” as my word every year (I am a work in progress myself!), but I don’t because that doesn’t send a very nice message to your inner self, does it?  This year my word is “embrace”.  I choose to embrace the challenges, the good things, the work, the stress and own it.  It is easy to get annoyed, angry, bummed, and frustrated when there is another hoop to jump through, another task to complete, yet one more edit to make; but my goal is to not stay mired in those emotions, and instead embrace those challenges and own them.  Personally, I tend to exert a lot of energy and effort in frustration when things don’t go the way I want them the first time, but this year, I want to put some of that energy into embracing whatever challenge/obstacle it may be.  

 

So, this year, I choose to embrace life: the good, the bad, the ugly, the funny, the stressful, and the sweet and see where it takes me. 

 

Happy New Year my friends!

 

Does anyone else choose a word for the year?